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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26709736">She Was A Light</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADreamIsASoftPlaceToLand/pseuds/ADreamIsASoftPlaceToLand'>ADreamIsASoftPlaceToLand</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Penumbra Podcast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Angst, F/M, I added more to the arum/rilla convo at the end of MH, Lizard Kissin' Tuesday (Penumbra Podcast), Love Confessions, Second Citadel (Penumbra Podcast), This is just an alternate ending of Moonlit Hermit except it still ends the same way, Unhappy Ending, but not yet, canon-typical sadness, for now, kind of, not sure how to tag this, they still get together later because y'know Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:49:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,902</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26709736</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADreamIsASoftPlaceToLand/pseuds/ADreamIsASoftPlaceToLand</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Rilla didn't let Arum push her through that door? What if they actually talked about it?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lord Arum/Rilla (Penumbra Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>She Was A Light</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>ok, so i'm prefacing this with a note that this one? doesn't have a happy ending. It's basically the same ending they get in Moonlit Hermit, but with WAY more emotional angst that does not get resolved. it's a Rough Time right now just generally, so if you need something happy and comforting right now, this isn't it. I won't be mad or sad if you decide to skip this one. Please take care of yourselves. i've been in A Mood lately and felt like I needed to write some angst for a bit. </p>
<p>also if you haven't read Scattered on My Shore by aetheraria, go read that because this conversation is loosely based on a conversation that happens in.... Chapter 15? I think? of that. just reworked within the framework of Moonlit Hermit. </p>
<p>title from The Door by be steadwell</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“We are <em>at war</em>,” he says, and watches Amaryllis’s shoulders slump. “It was foolish of us to forget that. Even for a moment.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He doesn’t want- he wants- he <em>has</em> to let her go. It does not <em>matter</em> what his foolish heart tells him, she is his enemy, as he is hers. Perhaps not <em>personally</em>, but fundamentally. She is a human, and he is a monster. They are destined to be diametrically opposed, centuries of history a continent, a world of distance between them. They were foolish to try to bridge that gap, to pretend like… Like they could. He sighs, looking down at the ground, with one set of arms crossed over his chest, the other hung at his side with hands flexing into fists, claws digging into scales. “Farewell, Amaryllis, <span class="s1">I am... glad to have met you. And so I hope the universe wills us peace such that we never see each other again.”</span></p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="s2">He hears Amaryllis’s breath hitch, and her eyes snap to his for a moment, “Arum, wait.” </span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="s2">He shakes his head sharply, “I said <em>farewell,” </em>he snaps on instinct, and steps forward, intending to shove her through the door the Keep has created, but as he makes contact she reaches up and clutches at his wrist, pushing back just enough to stop his momentum. </span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="s2">“No, <em>Arum</em>, I’m not <em>done</em> talking to you. We can’t just- you can’t just throw me out like this. We need to- we have to <em>talk</em> about this,” she grips his wrist, warm skin against cool scales, and the shock of it- the shock of her <em>reaching for him</em>, makes him still. </span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="s2">They stand there for a moment, both looking at the point of contact between them, and Rilla shifts her grip, loosening and sliding her hand down into his. “Amaryllis,” he tries to growl, but his voice comes out weak, and it’s almost muffled by the sound roaring of his own heart in his ears. </span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="s2">“Arum, I- look, I know this is complicated, but. But. I need to know. I need to know how you- what you want.” She squeezes his hand gently, and he hisses through his teeth, wrenching his hand free from her grasp. </span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="s2">“<em>Why</em>? You are going home. You are <em>getting</em> what you wanted, Amaryllis, so <em>go</em>. Go home and forget about the monster who kidnapped you. You have your freedom, so <em>take it</em>.”</span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="s2">“It <em>matters</em> because I- I want to know, Arum, I want to know if we could- If you- feel. The way I do, like… If you feel… <em>whatever</em> this is I keep feeling because I <em>know</em> it’s something but I can’t tell if… I can’t tell if it’s just me,” Rilla reaches for him again but hesitates, and the waver in her voice is like a vice around his heart. “I… I have to know. Do you… What do you want, Arum? Just- put everything else aside for a second because <em>I know</em> it’s complicated but- but without all of that. What do <em>you want</em>?”</span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">“Amaryllis, what could it <em>possibly</em> matter what I <em>want</em>?” Arum spits, and Rilla recoils from the venom in his voice. He wants to bite back the words that fight their way up his throat, but he knows this stubborn herbalist well enough by now to know that she won’t stop pushing. She’ll keep needling away at him until he is nothing more than a heap of unraveled thread and she has gotten to the heart of whatever <em>mystery</em> or <em>challenge</em> she sees in him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He growls, but she does not move away. She does not flinch. She is not afraid of him. “<em>Yes, </em>Amaryllis. I want you to stay. I want- I want you to <em>want </em>to stay. I want you to <em>choose me</em>.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Arum curls in on himself as the worse leave him, his shoulders slumping, his eyes drifting toward the floor. He does not want to see what expression Amaryllis wears in this moment, he does not know if it would hurt more if she were angry or if… If she were not. He clenches his fists and lifts his head again, narrowing his eyes at the herbalist. “There. I have said it, are you happy? Is this what you <em>wanted</em>, Amaryllis?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">As he glares at her, he cannot quite read the expression writing itself across her features, and his breath worms its way out of him in something like a sigh. She takes half a step towards him, and he sees the moment she registers all the tension in his body as she hesitates, sudden uncertainty furrowing her brow. “You… You want me to stay? You want… me.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Arum hisses, and he’s not sure if he’s truly angry, or in pain, or if it is merely a reflex to her absurd words. “And what does that <em>matter</em>, little human?” He barks out a laugh. “<em>You</em> are a human. I am a monster. Even if that were not the case, you have made it <em>perfectly</em> clear that you cannot wait to go home to your family- to your <em>fiancé.</em> And I cannot follow you.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He sees the human balk at his words, and he has to suppress a snort. Foolish little human. Little dreamer. So lost in her own thoughts she has drifted completely out of the <em>reality</em> of the world in which they live. He cannot dream as she does. It is not within his power to hope… Monsters are not meant for the dreams of humans, only their nightmares. “You have your people, your family. You have created a life for yourself, and I am not in it. I am not there. I am not <em>in</em> the life you have built for yourself, and there is no <em>room</em> for someone like me. Any further ruminations on this is pointless and will only hurt us both in the end. It would be far kinder for you to walk away and never seek me out again.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">His voice catches on the last word, some emotion making his mouth feel dry and his eyes far too wet. He hears the human take a shaky breath, the way her heart pounds in her chest, the salt in the air the tears that threaten to fall down both their cheeks. “But,” she says, softly, “you want me. You want that. To be- to be a part of my life.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Arum feels something boiling within him, and he blinks back the tears in his eyes as sharply as he bares his teeth. “Does that make it easier for you to leave, Amaryllis? Does it make returning to your <em>family</em> taste sweeter in your mouth? Or is it simply one more barb to pull out in the parting?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Amaryllis gasps, her gaze snapping up to his own, “No, I- <em>Arum</em>, that’s not-“</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He pushes on, he does not wish to hear her pleas, her pathetic explanations and excuses. “Do you ask so that you can go home and tell your fiancé the Knight of the Crown, so you can convince him not to slay the evil monster because it <em>fell in love</em> with you? Or do you hope to tell him so that he <em>will</em> come for me, in some pathetic defense of your- your <em>honor</em>. And then once I have been slain you will no longer have to examine your- your <em>own</em> feelings for me. You can go back to your life knowing that the love of a monster was merely a fleeting memory, a hazy dream you have escaped, one from which the monster will never awaken.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>No</em>, Arum, you <em>know</em> that’s not true and that’s not fair!” Amaryllis is crying now, and he hates that there is a small part of him that takes pride in the fact that he has hurt her. He is a monster, this is what he is <em>meant</em> to do. He is meant to hurt humans, just as they are meant to hurt him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“None of this has ever been <em>fair</em>, Amaryllis. I keep telling you this human obsession with <em>fairness</em>, right and wrong, it is a <em>useless</em> endeavor that will only drive you all mad. There is only the way things <em>are</em>,” he says. And perhaps it is <em>not</em> fair for him to say this, because as much as he believes it he cannot help but hate this, too. He cannot ignore how much his heart <em>aches</em> for this to be different, for circumstances to work out in his favor. But they did not, and they will not.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The human has crossed her arms over her chest, and she looks so small that Arum deflates, all the fight gone out of him like a punch to the gut. “Amaryllis, I-“</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What if- what if we <em>could</em> make it work, Arum? What if… What if I want you, too? What if I picture you in my life and I <em>want you there</em>, too. I want you to have a place in my life and I <em>know</em> that it’d be hard and complicated and there’s a lot we’d have to deal with but- but what <em>if-“ </em>Amaryllis’s voice breaks, and she cuts off with a shuddering breath. “What if we tried?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Arum is so very, very tired. “Even if- <em>if</em> we wanted to try. Your family- your <em>fiancé </em>does not even know I exist. And he is a <em>knight</em>, Amaryllis. Can you truly tell me that he would stand by and let you- accept that you- that he would not object to me? That he would <em>not</em> try to kill me?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He can see the answer in the herbalist’s eyes even as she says, “But maybe if I <em>talk</em> to him… If he met you, if I could just <em>explain-“ </em></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><em>“Amaryllis</em>,” he cuts her off firmly, but there is no bite to his words. He is only tired, and sad, wishing that they never had this conversation. “I do not wish to risk my life on a <em>maybe</em>, and you should not risk <em>yours</em>. You have a life, a home, a family. This am not worth losing all of that. <em>I </em>am not worth losing all of that. Go home. If the world were different, if the magic it possesses tilted a little more in our favor, then perhaps. But we have drawn a miraculous lot as it is. I have been… Impossibly lucky, to have met you, Amaryllis. That must be enough.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Amaryllis looks up at him, and his heart cracks at the despair on her face. It is not enough. It is not enough for either of them. But it is what they have been given. “I don’t <em>want</em> this to be the ending, I don’t- I don’t want this to be the last time I ever see you. I don’t want to say goodbye.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Arum summons the last twinge of anger he still holds, directed now to the ridiculousness of the situation and the cruelty of their circumstances, and turns it towards the human standing before him. “That is the only choice we can make. <em>Farewell</em>, Amaryllis.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">And, as she looks up at him, her mouth opening to say whatever goodbye she can manage, he shoves her through the doorway and slams the portal shut. He can hear her on the other side, but the words are muffled by the thick wood of the doorway, and whether she is shouting or pleading he could not say. He does not wish to know, anyway.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>come find me @shorter-than-her-tbr-pile on tumblr!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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